No-one likes feeling guilty. Perhaps you’re lying awake at 3am running over and over what you did or didn’t do; it can feel draining and it’s often like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. In fact the idea of being weighed down by guilt might be closer to the truth than you think, with some scientists suggesting that guilt can literally make you feel heavier.*
Whatever the cause of your guilt, it undoubtedly falls into one of two categories: ‘healthy’/ ‘appropriate’ guilt or ‘unhealthy’/ ‘irrational’ guilt.
Guilt-edged opportunities
Although it is an unpleasant feeling, ‘appropriate’ guilt helps in regulating behaviour. Feeling guilty for a justifiable reason is a sign that your conscience and cognitive abilities are working to stop you repeating or making mistakes. Guilt can, of course, be useful in stemming bad behaviour or habits – for example the decision to stop smoking and/or be more active for the sake of your health, finances or family (or all three).
In a wider context guilt is also associated with laws, boundaries and social behaviour to stop us from doing things that would otherwise have a negative impact on others. Maintaining a healthy level of guilt keeps our personal moral compass intact, as it prompts us to face up to our mistakes and make amends.
People who are guilt aware generally have a strong connection with their own and others’ emotions. Typically they’ll be well adjusted, have good relationship skills and avoid anti-social behaviour. They have high emotional intelligence and experience empathy for others. By contrast, those who seemingly feel no guilt at all are high on the psychopathy scale, as their emotional abilities are usually reduced, or non-existent and they often also lack empathy.
Rolling in muck
Guilt can become unhealthy, however, when it is inappropriate, unfounded and left unchecked. ‘Survivor’s guilt’, for example, is the natural, yet irrational, belief that you could have somehow prevented an event from happening or you do not deserve to have literally ‘survived’ a negative life event. With unhealthy guilt it’s important to recognise what’s within your power to change and control and what is outside of it. Being honest with yourself and opening up to people you trust (a friend, family member or a health professional) can be the start of a journey to explore your feelings and moving beyond them.
Ask yourself whether your guilt nudges your behaviour in the right direction or if it’s on repeat for no apparent reason? To borrow a quote from writer/philosopher Aldous Huxley: “…rolling in muck is not the best way to get clean”.
See if you can make changes, make amends, say sorry, be kind to yourself and resolve to move on. Learn from your mistakes and errors, rather than beating yourself up about it.
If you’re regretful and/or feel you’ve fallen short, try to remember that perfection is, by and large, unattainable. Holding out for ‘perfect’ can ultimately hold you back. Instead, try to accept the ‘best’ workable solution available to you and retain a sense of perspective and control. You can read my comment on how to deal with perfectionism, here.
Finally, guilt can often be a teacher whereby we learn about ourselves; perhaps there’s something you have the power to change or maybe you can do nothing about it. Either way there may be an opportunity to take something positive from it – by gaining a deeper wisdom about yourself, accepting your feelings and moving into a better future.
*D. Ramona Bobocel and Martin V. Day (2013): The Weight of a Guilty Conscience: Subjective Body Weight as an Embodiment of Guilt
http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0069546