Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch.
Before having kids ask yourself “do I enjoy having a nice cold glass of water all to myself?”
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 12, 2021
Husband: We have to be there at 8.
Teen: IN THE MORNING?!
Me: AT NIGHT?!
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 13, 2021
“You know what’s weird? We name all our pets but we never tell them OUR names” my daughter going deep today
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) July 12, 2021
My kid has a fake laugh now hahahaha how do I make him stop?
— Melissafent on the Hillifent (@awkwardenabled) July 13, 2021
Welcome to your 40s there is no graceful way to get off any Disney ride
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 12, 2021
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) July 15, 2021
62% of parenting is improvisational theatre
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) July 13, 2021
Good luck sitting next to him on the subway in 20 years ladies pic.twitter.com/E0wueSidJA
— Andrew Fleischman (@ASFleischman) July 10, 2021
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said "I guess it's the Marinara Trench now" and I have tears of joy
— Naître D ☕️ 🧙♂️ (@perlhack) July 11, 2021
Does anyone know when the Olympic kickboxing tryouts are? I think my kids stand a chance. Also, do they need to be awake?
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) July 16, 2021
There are people out there who are like "never, ever, EVER make your children feel like their feelings are invalid," but once my son cried uncontrollably because he couldn't get the juice back into his orange, so I'm just suggesting that maybe "never" is a bit extreme.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) July 14, 2021
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) July 15, 2021
parents say we don’t have a favorite child but then one of them turns to you and says “mom, you smell like cheese” and decisions are made
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 14, 2021
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) July 15, 2021
Was just asked so many questions by a gas pump I had to check to see whether it was programmed by four year-olds.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) July 15, 2021
7yr old: (in crowded aisle at grocery store) We only have a titbit of peanut butter left at home.
Me: It’s tidbit.
7: No.
Me: I’m pretty sure.
7: No, it was on my show and it’s TIT! TIT, MOM, TIT!!— SingleBabyMama (@_SingleBabyMama) July 12, 2021
There’s no better feeling as a parent than watching as your child grows and develops into doing more and more meaningful chores.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 10, 2021
My husband took the kids out for the afternoon so I could “get things done”. So far I’ve eaten half a jar of jelly beans, watched a cat roll around outside and stared at the laundry pile
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) July 10, 2021
Playing paper, scissors, rock with 3…
3: *rock*
Me: *Paper* I win
3: *bashes paper with rock*
— Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ (@CafeinatedBacon) July 10, 2021
I used vacation days, that doesn’t mean I had a vacation.
— Breaking Dad🧅 (@erichwithach) July 14, 2021
