Can we stop with the “terrible twos” and “threenagers” and “FML fours” and just admit that kids are dicks until they move out?

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) March 15, 2021

Whenever my kids start fighting, it’s like guys, guys, guys— you’re both assholes.

— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) June 12, 2021

Being a dad feels like being a superhero whose superpower is somehow loving someone despite them being a total dick 90% of the time

— The Dad (@thedad) February 25, 2018

Being a stay at home parent can be lonely and frustrating because the only people you get to talk to all day poop their pants and are complete assholes.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 5, 2019

My toddler is very polite when asking to do naughty things. He’ll be like “please may I draw on the wall?” or “please may I throw food on the floor?”

And so I respond just as politely “please may you stop being a little dick?”

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 18, 2020

"Why don't you ever tweet nice stuff about your kids?" asked my idiot daughter.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) August 3, 2012

Sat. night, watching the kids sweetly sleeping, tears in my eyes.
Because I know those holy terrors will be up at the crack of fucking dawn

— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) May 7, 2017

My 5 and 3 year old’s made up knock knock jokes are so dumb.

Sorry, not sorry.

— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) February 8, 2020

"The Giving Tree" is my favorite book about how kids can be incredibly ungrateful little shits.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 16, 2018

Sorry my toddler is being an asshole, we're hoping he's working on a new milestone, but it might just be who he is now

— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) March 7, 2020

I told my 6yo son that apples grow with the stickers on them and he believed me. Ha! Kids are such idiots.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 24, 2020

Parenting is pretty fun if you like spending Saturday afternoons being back seat driven by a 4 foot tall tyrant wearing plastic Pikachu ears

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 26, 2017

Goodnight moon. Goodnight red balloon. Goodnight green phone. Goodnight tiny tyrant assholes.

— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 5, 2016

First we blamed teething. Then we blamed developmental leaps. Now, we have no choice but to admit this is not a phase.

Our child is just an asshole.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) October 2, 2019

Dear kids,

Do you want to be obnoxious assholes or do you want to be cuddly lovebugs? Pick a damn lane. You’re giving me whiplash.

Sincerely,
Mom

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) March 28, 2020

I used to refer to our toddlers as "holy terrors," but it turns out there's nothing "holy" about them. #parenting

— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) July 25, 2018

Enough with your musical ambitions already you little tyrant! You're making mommy's ears bleed.

— Jill Krause (@babyrabies) June 27, 2010

*showing friends videos of my toddler*

Me: Look at this idiot

— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) December 22, 2019

My toddler has this condition where even though he knows the difference between right and wrong he does the wrong thing anyway. It’s called being an asshole.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 14, 2020

I might have brunch. For the parents: Brunch is when you don't eat food until almost mid-day because no tiny tyrant has awoken you at 7 AM.

— Backpacking Dad (@BackpackingDad) June 28, 2015

one of the toughest parts about being a really good parent is having to tell your kid they look like an idiot

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) September 23, 2016

My kid just tried to pick up something he was standing on. Moron

— Jason Good (@jasonmgood) January 23, 2011

First you think "I want kids!"
next thing you know you're middle aged and catering to an adorable little tyrant with a Bandaid habit.

— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) August 2, 2017

I’m teaching my kids to play baseball and they think I’m so athletic and I can’t decide if that’s endearing or if they’re idiots

— The Dad (@thedad) January 20, 2019

My 2 year-old is so terrifying that I had to help the monster under his bed find a new job today.

— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) November 18, 2019

Teach your children to love, so that when they act like little monsters, you can take away things that matter to them.

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) March 25, 2014

If you tell kids anything is possible if they work hard enough for it, sometimes they will believe you because kids are idiots.

— keith (@tchrquotes) June 4, 2016

2 year old has started yelling “I’m Iron Man!” before growling, shouting, stamping, and throwing toys around the room like he’s fighting them

Although I’m not a fan of the boisterous behaviour, I’m more concerned about what sort of moron confuses Iron Man with the Hulk

— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) December 14, 2019

Had a nightmare I was being chased by tiny monsters who were clawing at me and screaming in my face oh wait I’m wide awake that’s just my life.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 28, 2018

[game night]
Me: why are the kids crying?
Wife: they misunderstood when u said snakes & ladders
Me: they're not real ladders u fucken idiots

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 9, 2016

Who called them "kids" and not ungrateful little shits?

— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 25, 2014

Impressed the kids by pushing a button & defrosting the car windshield again.

They were awestruck.

Idiots.

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) October 29, 2015

My toddler can officially climb INTO his crib. He cannot, however, climb out. What an idiot.

— Courtney (@Discourt) April 5, 2012

For as much as I bitch about my kids, I sure do love those goddamn little shits.

— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) November 2, 2018

Parents be like: God, my kid is being such an asshole today.

Parents also be like: WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY LITTLE PEANUT BUTTER CUP ILL KARATE CHOP YOU IN THE THROAT

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) October 22, 2019