Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me and I’m not sure if I should go home or disappear and start a new life.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 21, 2020
1.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) October 17, 2020
2.
Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life.
— Lil BOO 🌈 (@LizerReal) October 16, 2020
3.
Wife: What the hell are you doing?
Me [ironing bathrobe]: getting my work clothes ready— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 20, 2020
4.
My husband thought I was flirting.
I don’t have the heart to tell him that I was just licking the salsa that had fallen between my fingers
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 20, 2020
5.
Him: Do you sleep with a fan?
Me: I'd say my wife mostly likes me, but fan is pushing it
— The Dad (@thedad) October 17, 2020
6.
My husband commenting on my lockdown hair:
“I think you look like a 40 something year old Italian business man..”
I’m 32.
In other news, the funeral of my late husband will be held next week.
— Steve 🏳️🌈 (@papaneedscoffee) October 23, 2020
7.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 13, 2020
8.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2013 when I ate bad tacos and complained of stomach cramps while she was in labor
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 22, 2020
9.
One of the biggest tests to my marriage was the time my husband walked in on me using a flip flop as a hammer.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 17, 2020
10.
“Don’t you have work to do?” – me to my husband any time I see him out of his home office during the day
— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 16, 2020
11.
Everyday is Prime Day when you’re married to my wife.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 13, 2020
12.
One day you're happily married and the next day you catch your husband making cauliflower mashed potatoes.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 25, 2020
13.
I thought the wife asked if I wanted to do dishes but judging by her anger I now think she was actually telling me.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) October 21, 2020
14.
My wife can eat one Reese's peanut butter cup, rewrap the other one and save it for later, so I'm clearly married to a supernatural being.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 16, 2020
15.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) October 14, 2020
16.
Is there an App to know when my wife is mad at me?
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) October 14, 2020
17.
Husband and I were talking about how there really isn't a feminine version of the name "John," so we decided on "Johnnifer."
I will not be taking questions at this time.
— Black Lives Matter Betty (@EzMacArt) October 17, 2020
18.
My husband always wants me to do things his way.
Fold the towels in thirds
Wash whites separately
Don’t hit the mailbox when backing out of the driveway
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 18, 2020
19.
I know bedtime routine is important because I can’t fall asleep without asking my husband if he locked the door
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 15, 2020
20.
You ever just spend 2 years talking about air fryers with your spouse and still not be sure if it’s worth the counter space sacrifice?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 15, 2020
21.
Therapist: What are some steps you can take the next time your husband annoys you?
Me: fill his truck with throw pillows
Therapist: no
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 25, 2020
22.
3s made birthday cards for a family friend.
Me to the wife: OMG hon! Sis actually wrote letters all on her own! There’s a P, N, I, and S! I’m so proud of her!
Wife: If she puts an E, I quit. pic.twitter.com/9yOHwOOp2e
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) October 23, 2020
23.
My husband makes "vrrom vroom" noises as he watches the map of the @UberEats driver approaching our house.
— Black Lives Matter Betty (@EzMacArt) October 18, 2020
24.
My wife said we have too much stuff. So right now, we’re in the basement getting rid of a bunch of my stuff.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) October 24, 2020
25.