My kids asked me what I used to play on my iPad when I was a kid and I told them I used to let elmer’s glue dry on my hands and peel it off for fun

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) May 11, 2020

My 3-year-old daughter asked, “If I eat a leprechaun, will my poop turn green?” That mystery will keep me awake tonight.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2014

On our 6am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it's in heaven, visiting daddy's freedom.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 16, 2016

My daughter asked me if cheese is a vegetable, so…yeah she’s an optimist.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 23, 2018

My 4-year-old asked me if I’d fit in a trunk and suddenly being put in a nursing home doesn’t sound so bad.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 14, 2019

My daughter asked me what marriage was like and I nodded and said that sounded great. Then she asked me if I was even listening.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 7, 2020

My 4yo asked why we are the only people who live in our house and now I'm nervous I'm in a horror movie.

— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) October 15, 2015

My daughter just asked me if my boobs were ever round. In case you’re wondering about some of the ways motherhood crushes your soul.

— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) January 23, 2020

love shack just came on and my son asked “is that john mulaney?” i’m crying

— ceeks (@70Ceeks) March 5, 2020

My 4yo daughter asked me “what even is the point of boys? all they do is play” and I’m still working on my response.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 5, 2019

My toddler asked me to give her chicken nuggets a checkup. After giving all the nuggets a medical exam I realized my toddler was asking for ketchup.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) April 6, 2020

My son just asked me if I when I was little I had to stay inside for COVIDs 1 through 18

— Kerry Howley (@KerryHowley) April 1, 2020

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) September 29, 2020

My 5-year-old asked me what a poop hole does. After an impromptu lesson on the digestive system, I realized he actually said “pupil.”

Next lesson: Enunciation

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 26, 2020

My 6 year old asked where babies came from.

I told him the truth.

While I was sitting and basking in my pride at being an Honest Mom, he just stared before saying: “I wasn’t expecting that. That was inappropriate.”

Then: “DID THE DOCTORS WATCH YOU DO IT”

I shoulda lied.

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 18, 2020

My three year old asked me if the tooth he just lost "is going to heaven." These are the precious moments that make parenting so worthwhile. I reminded him that he bit me last month and told him his tooth was hell-bound.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 31, 2020

My toddler asked me if we were having moisturizer (he meant mayonnaise) on our burgers tonight.

This kid must have some intense face-cleansing regimen when I'm not looking.

— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) September 13, 2018

The other day my 7yo asked me if OutKast was alive (because she’s obsessed w/the idea of musicians dying). She loves “Hey Ya.”

When I told her they were alive and well, she asked:

“Are they OLD?”

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

— Dara T. Mathis (@TrulyTafakari) February 29, 2020

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 4, 2020

Last night my 3yo asked, "Does the sun go down here so other people can use it?" I think she's ready for Harvard.

— Toni Hammer (@thetonihammer) March 18, 2016

3yo asked me, "Do you like apples?" I ran away w/o replying.

I don't think he's seen Good Will Hunting yet but I'm not taking any chances.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 15, 2013

My son asked if I had too much booty in my pants so no my husband will never choose the music again

— Vision Booooooored👻 (@VisionBored1) November 19, 2019

My 6yo just asked me for help finding a hiding place for my own Christmas gift, if you want to know how incapable my children are of doing anything by themselves.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 22, 2019

My 4-year-old asked my 2-year-old if it was time to fight.

2 checked the calendar and said, "No, not yet."

Well, at least they are organized.

— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) June 25, 2020

My daughter just asked why we say "hang up" the phone and now I feel 90.

— Jason English (@EnglishJason) June 2, 2015

[6 AM]

Child [coming out of bedroom]: Do you think mermaid fingers prune from being in the water for so long?

Me [rubbing temples]: it is way too early for this

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 9, 2020

My 4yo asked why she couldn't see the moon. I explained the moon's placement in the sky and Earth rotation. Midway through my impromptu lecture, I heard her softly singing the finger family song. I stopped talking, she kept singing. I never answered her questions again.

— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) November 12, 2018

My 3yo asked what all the ‘cracks’ around my eyes are so I’ve just been to the market and exchanged her for two chickens and a llama

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) January 28, 2020

My daughter asked why parks are closed at dark. I told her it was to stop teens from making bad decisions. She then said "Like littering?"

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) September 9, 2017

One of my students asked why I was wearing my zombie costume when it’s not Halloween yet and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that this is just how I look today

— Vision Booooooored👻 (@VisionBored1) September 25, 2020

today 7yo asked me if JK Rowling grew up in "a Latin-speaking country."

— Nicole Chung (@nicolesjchung) January 30, 2016

My 7yo heard “Rock With You” and asked why Michael Jackson was saying, “And we can ride the booger,” which is basically why I had kids.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 22, 2020

The school just called to let me know my 8yo asked to borrow the principal's phone to 'make just one prank call real fast'.

— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) February 26, 2014

The 8YO asked me "Are you a hippie?" like she's Roy Cohn questioning Ethel Rosenberg.

— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) April 10, 2014

8yo asked to take my "vibrator" to school for show-and-tell.

Took a sec to realize he meant the actual back massager. #parentinghumor

— Scienceof Parenthood (@SciofParenthood) October 30, 2014

My 6 year old is so bored he just asked me if I'd have another baby and name it "Bobert" because he thinks that would be funny

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) April 17, 2020

My daughter asked me to *read* Frozen as a bedtime story. I'd laugh if I wasn't so concerned about the mind control Disney has over her.

— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) April 14, 2014

My 8yo asked for Ritz crackers and said “I just want one Rit” and I don’t need any more entertainment for the rest of the day.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 29, 2018

Today, my 6yo asked me if monkeys only eat bananas, and now I’m questioning my entire adult existence because I have absolutely no clue what the answer to this question is.

— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) October 18, 2019

6yo asked if I remembered Mesopotamia, and I said “I learned about it is school. She got frustrated and said “No, dad! Do you REMEMBER it” like I lived through it, same as I did the 90s. No, I wasn’t alive then,” I said. She rolled her eyes, and I kid you not, said “sure.”

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) September 30, 2020

My son asked me
"Where does poo come from?"
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

— Zack Riley 🇦🇺 (@ColdHeart_Prj) January 2, 2020

At dinner the 5yo asked what's the difference between cooking and baking and I said "It's easy. You bake things like cookies–" and then my brain exploded.

— JEFF WILD (@jiffywild) September 5, 2018

5yo asked me last nite, "How did God make us?"

Hard to believe deep stuff like this comes out of the mouth chewing on his own shirt collar.

— Brent Almond (@DesignerDaddy) October 15, 2015

6yo asked if I'm a senior & I was all "teehee, like in high school?" & he was all "NO LIKE AN OLD PERSON" so now I'm buying all new make-up.

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 7, 2016

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 19, 2019

My 6yo asked why my car can't go as fast as daddy's.

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) October 10, 2016

My kid asked if that lady is tiny. pic.twitter.com/Lm6ytjhV9P

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) May 4, 2019

I was shaving and the 6yo asked why I was "handsomeing"

— JEFF WILD (@jiffywild) February 14, 2020

My 7yo asked “Why do the mashed potatoes taste like the inside of a french fry?”
If she hasn’t figured it out by now, there’s no way I’m telling her.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 25, 2019

Today my son asked me what the “penis hole” is called. I was not honestly prepared for the answer. pic.twitter.com/NAPiy8HJ3z

— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) February 17, 2020

My son asked if you could put chapstick on a lizard. I said no, they don't really have lips, but he mused that you could put it on its leg or tail if you really wanted to, leaving me no choice but to concede defeat in the world's most pointless discussion. How is your 8 am going?

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 14, 2020

My son asked me what does WiFi stand for & I told him it's named after its inventor William Filliam

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) May 2, 2020

My daughter asked, "If dreams can come true, what about the bad ones?"

I laughed and laughed and then I cried.

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) October 26, 2016

8YO daughter asked me what a "bootlicker" was and when I explained, she said "I want one!"

— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) September 4, 2014

My 7yo asked me if I could reach the icicles hanging from our house and I’m pretty sure it’s just because she wants to use them as weapons

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 3, 2018