Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
I’ve started announcing to my husband every time I do the dishes
— JPo (@Peauxtassium) August 8, 2020
1.
Marriage is just screaming louder than your spouse to tell them to stop yelling
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 8, 2020
2.
My wife can Google anything in .3 seconds if it will prove that I am wrong.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 10, 2020
3.
Every Sunday my husband glares at me because I don’t change out of pjs but at the end of the week I have less laundry so I win
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 9, 2020
4.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) August 9, 2020
5.
Wife – I live with a drama queen.
(I look at our dog, he looks at me)
Wife – I'm talking to both of you.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) August 15, 2020
6.
Wife: Bend over.
Me: Yes ma’am.
Wife: I gotta pop that zit in the small of your back.
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) August 11, 2020
7.
The nice thing about being married is you can always blame someone for not reminding you about that thing you forgot.
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) August 8, 2020
8.
Me *calling wife* should I get one or two hotdogs
Wife: two
Me *to tattoo artist* yeah one on each arm
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) August 7, 2020
9.
Friend: How many times does your alarm clock go off in the morning?
Me: Oh, I don’t know.
Husband: *shouting from other room* THIRTEEN, DIANE. THIRTEEN.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 4, 2020
10.
Being the first to fall asleep at night is such a marriage flex.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 12, 2020
11.
My husband just said that “we” are going to start eating healthier.
Still haven’t found who tf he’s talking to.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) August 12, 2020
12.
The secret to a successful marriage is to call your wife seven times a day, to help her find her phone
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 13, 2020
13.
My wife just lured me to the water with the promise of seeing a turtle and then threw me into the ocean. Very unfair of her to trick me into enjoying this day.
— lucy bexley 🪁🌈 (@bexley_lucy) August 13, 2020
14.
I told my wife that when she puts me down as an emergency contact to always add a note that says leave a message.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) August 9, 2020
15.
My husband and I accidentally brushed hands while unloading the dishwasher so I guess you could say yes, we are very sexually active.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 11, 2020
16.
My husband: I’m a grown man. Please stop treating me like a child.
Also my husband: Can you find my jacket? I’m hungry. I need a nap.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 14, 2020
17.
You can't have a successful marriage without trust in your spouse to accurately recap what just happened on TV because you were busy looking at your phone.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 11, 2020
18.
For my wife’s birthday I gave her orgasms.
Ugg, auto correct. I meant origami.
— dADDisms (@Beagz) August 8, 2020
19.
Our dinner conversation includes me asking my wife what we're going to have for dinner tomorrow night.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) August 10, 2020
20.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i'll open wine
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) August 15, 2020
21.
Me: Say those words I love to hear.
Husband: Ugh. Do I have to?
Me: Do it, baby.
Husband: Your package is out for delivery.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 11, 2020
22.
the strength of a marriage is based upon honesty, communication, and not knowing each other’s screen time reports
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 5, 2020
23.
My wife put our peanut butter in the fridge so I’m meeting with a divorce lawyer tomorrow.
— Boots Boy (@dadopotamus) August 10, 2020
24.
Welcome to marriage. There are millions of legitimate things to argue about, but let's sprinkle in a few hypotheticals just for fun.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 9, 2020
25.
