My kids asked me what I used to play on my iPad when I was a kid and I told them I used to let elmer’s glue dry on my hands and peel it off for fun

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) May 11, 2020

Did you know?

If you hold a bowl of broccoli up to your ear, you can hear the sound of a toddler screaming for grilled cheese.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) May 10, 2020

27 hours of labor was worth it because when I shake my baby’s chunky leg and go “Ring ring ring!” and then put his fat cannoli foot to my ear and say “Hello?!” he laughs so hard he barfs.

— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) May 10, 2020

I'd like to officially announce that I've lost 73 lbs over quarantine. My wife and I remain hopeful the kid will find his way home eventually.

— Tyler on the Chill (@_stylr) May 10, 2020

“clean your room or I will cut your hair again” is such an unexpected and fun parenting tool these days

— Just J (@junejuly12) May 13, 2020

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn't sum up motherhood I don't know what does.

— Moderately Mom (@momtribevibe) May 10, 2020

My two year old ran into my room first thing thing this morning, and then, clearly coached, shouted “happy Mother’s Day mommy!” And then before i could respond, she picked up a pair of scissors and said “can I play with this, it’s special to me.” It was the best. ❤️

— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) May 10, 2020

Dad law requires dads to say one of the following when ready to leave:

-Let's rock n roll
-Let's skeedadle
-Saddle up, partners
-Let's get the heck outta dodge
-Time to hit the road
-Let's blow this popsicle stand
-Let's hightail it outta here
-Let's get this show on the road

— The Dad (@thedad) May 13, 2020

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 4, 2020

Check on your friends with toddlers. The toddlers are winning. Send help.

— JDB, Sr. (@JoeBriggsEsq) May 12, 2020

I said Alexa three times and she didn’t respond so she’s family now.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 14, 2020

quarantined babies don’t even know about crying in restaurants yet

— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) May 13, 2020

Every single parent in the history of kid’s birthday parties who was offered a slice of pizza and declined really wanted that pizza.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 10, 2020

[on my death bed]

My kids: Oh Mom! What’s something we can do to make your last moments better? What do you need?

Me: I…I…

Them: Yes, Mom?

Me: I…want to be left alone for 20 minutes.

Them, lying on my hospital bed and eating from my tray: ok what else

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 14, 2020

Welcome to parenthood. You'll find yourself asking your spouse ridiculous questions like, "do you mind if I take a shower?"

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 11, 2020

Me: Nap time

Toddler: I not tired

Me: It’s not about you

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) May 11, 2020

My daughter woke up, came halfway down the stairs wrapped in her comforter, said she would be avoiding everyone and asked me to hand her some cheese. My daughter is a whole mood.

— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) May 13, 2020

Earlier….

3 year old: I WANT BLUE CUP!

Wife: It’s this cup or nothing

Later….

Me: Here’s some wine

Wife: I DON’T LIKE THIS GLASS – GET ME THE NICE SHAPED ONE

— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) May 14, 2020

Kids: *fighting over who gets to use the calculator first*

Me: *tearing up* Looks like this houseschool is finally a homeschool

— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) May 12, 2020

7-year-old: I don't want a big cake for my birthday.

Me: That's very humble of you.

7: I want a small cake every day of the year.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2020