Andy Davey was my first proper boyfriend. A member of the same animal rights group as me, we started an intimate relationship when he was 24, single, and worked as a ‘man with a van’. 

Or at least that’s what I believed for 25 years.

The truth was ‘Andy Davey’ never existed. The person pretending to be my boyfriend was, in reality, 32, married – and an undercover police officer named Andy Coles. An officer in the Special Demonstration Squad, he was deployed to spy and collect information on protest groups in the UK. 

It was decades later that I found out the truth, but nothing prepares you for finding out the person you shared your most intimate moments with was a paid actor, a total stranger. Through a network of activists supporting those affected by undercover police abuses I discovered the truth: that in his ‘real’ life, Coles had gone on to become deputy police and crime commissioner for Cambridgeshire, and a Conservative councillor.  His arrogance, working in two publicly respected positions despite the completely unjustified relationship he had with me, turned my stomach. How could someone who used me like that be fit for public office?

As painful as it was, I decided I had to tell my story publicly. People have a right to know what these undercover officers were doing to women like me; by exposing the truth, I hope to ensure this never happens to anybody else. In May 2017, Channel 4 ran my story. Three days later, Coles stepped down as deputy police and crime commissioner. 

I knew then I needed to make an official complaint. I wanted the police to investigate the wrongdoing. I wanted to put my case on record, and I wanted the police to look at the evidence and state who they believed was telling the truth. To get to that point, I had to give a four-hour interview, answering everything they asked, including intimate details about our sex life.They interviewed my friends and family, and one of the other women who said he had made sexual advances to her. They even took letters away that I’d written about him during our relationship.

Only recently, I received the notification that the Met had upheld my complaint and found it ‘credible’ that we’d had a relationship. Had he not retired, the Met said he would have had“a case to answer” and “would have been subject of a misconduct hearing” . They would not be challenging my claim against them for what he did. Despite all this, Coles still denies our relationship ever happened. 

That means mine is a double injustice, familiar to so many people who’ve been wronged by the state: what they did to you in the first place, then what they do to avoid accountability.

I need Coles to admit what happened. I have no shame in admitting my mental health has suffered hugely, and I’m receiving help for it. The guilt and shame I feel for what happened, knowing I didn’t protect the 19-year-old me, is driving my need to continue campaigning.

Some people who care about me say I shouldn’t keep going, keep protesting, that it’s not good for me But I have to. While what happened to me can’t be changed, the best I can do now is stop it happening to anyone else. I need to know who sent him into my life and why.

And this isn’t just about me – it’s about stopping this happening to anyone else. It’s about the other people spied on by police; other women deceived; families who lost loved ones, the parents of the dead children whose identities were stolen, the blacklisted workers, those that suffered miscarriages of justice.

It’s about making it clear we have had enough of these bizarre, sordid, counter-democratic secret police units.

‘Jessica’ is an activist, writing under a pseudonym. For more information on her campaign, visit policespiesoutoflives.org.uk.

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