You never really know how you’re going to react to sexual harassment until you’re in the moment. Some days, your instinct is to fight back. Others, it’s to freeze. 

Katherine Ryan’s weapon of choice when faced with unwanted sexual attention at the NME awards on Wednesday night was humour, with a healthy dose of sarcasm.

The comic and event host was involved in an on-stage clash with rapper Slowthai, who was (somewhat ironically) presented with the Hero Of The Year award. 

Footage from the night shows Slowthai getting up on stage and telling the audience “she got jealous”, before Ryan replied: “I didn’t get jealous, I was protecting another woman.”

It’s unclear exactly what started the altercation, but things soon escalated. 

As he increasingly encroached on Ryan’s personal space, Slowthai referred to her as “baby girl” inviting her to smell his cologne and saying into her microphone: “She wants me to tend to her flowers.”

Quick as you like, Ryan told him: “You are, like, the hottest guy I’ve ever seen… I’m so thirsty for your cock. Thank you for the attention.”

Things got even messier when a member of the audience called Slowthai a misogynist. He threw his mic, then a drink, and had to be escorted away. Slowthai has since “unreservedly” apologised for his behaviour, saying: “There is no excuse and I am sorry”. 

The incident was shared on social media within minutes, leading to a tide of support for Ryan, before she tweeted “he didn’t make me uncomfortable”, and called Slowthai “a sweet boy”. In a later tweet, she added: “He was fine. I’m the kind of woman he can say whatever he likes to! He’s fun.”

Cue a new wave of criticism, this time aimed at Ryan, rather than Slowthai.

Multiple tweets accused her of “normalising” sexual harassment, criticising her for downplaying the incident and telling her she has a “responsibility” to take the incident seriously to protect other women. 

“Good thing that you find him fun, but the next woman might not enjoy it quite as much. Calling this behaviour out is important, it isn’t okay. It’s lucky you could handle it. But next time he might be with a woman who can’t,” one woman said.

When I first saw Ryan’s response, I read it in the same sarcastic tone she’d used on stage. I assumed she’d referred to Slowthai as “fun” and “a sweet boy” to minimise him and take back the power. But really, her intentions – or my interpretation of them – are almost irrelevant and certainly not up for debate.

There’s no right way to respond to sexual harassment.

Like millions of women, I’ve experienced sexual harassment, from catcalling to sexual assault. There have been times I’ve felt empowered enough to call it out, but there have also been times I’ve frozen on the spot, or cried at home in secret.

I’d also be lying if I said I’d never laughed it off or made a joke about it. On countless nights out, guys have grabbed my bum or made a lewd comment and – like Ryan – I’ve batted it off and moved on with my life. I don’t think that makes me a bad person. Sometimes, being the victim – or even the survivor – of sexual harassment is just too exhausting. Why should women have to take on that emotional load? 

There are so many external factors that come into play and influence how you respond to sexual harassment: how public the incident is, whether you feel safe to call it out, your relationship with the other person and, crucially, where your mental health is at and how strong you’re feeling that day. You have to respond in the best way for you at that time. If that means reporting an incident to help other women in future, great. If it doesn’t this time, that’s okay too. 

By suggesting that a woman hasn’t responded in the “correct” way to harassment, you’re playing into the disturbing rhetoric that says women are somehow responsible for the bad behaviour that happens to them. It echos the blame game that all too frequently plays out in courtrooms, where women are questioned about what they were wearing at the time of a rape or sexual assault, or how much they were drinking.

Instead of subtweeting Katherine Ryan to criticise her response, take a step back and ask yourself who you’re really angry at here. 

Women don’t have a “responsibility” to call out sexual harassment to protect other women. Men have a responsibility to stop doing it in the first place.