The only way I can get excited at a baby shower is if I pretend that instead of babies, everyone is talking about burritos

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) October 25, 2019

[baby shower]

"Cherish every moment!"

"Greatest joy on earth!"

Me: Ever have someone kneel on ur abdomen while ur dying of a stomach flu?

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 2, 2017

A pack of coyotes shrieking at 4 AM is less unsettling if you imagine they're all watching someone open presents at a baby shower.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 16, 2019

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What's this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You'll thank me in 5 years.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 13, 2019

"YOU GOT HER PREGNANT, BIG DEAL!" I joke-yelled to my best friend's partner at their baby shower in front of a few older guests who did not know I was joking at all.

— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) October 14, 2018

A baby shower game requested everyone write parenting advice on a notecard, so I wrote down my favorite margarita recipe.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 9, 2016

{baby shower for first time mom}

Me: Sometimes they’re allergic to the word no for months at a time. They break out in tantrums.
Sometimes they hate you just looking at you.
And sometimes they…

Friend: *takes my sparkly blue drink* Ok, that’s quite enough for you.

— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) December 26, 2019

Parents-to-be should enjoy that baby shower, because it's the last time parenting will ever again be a party or a piece of cake.

— Walking Outside in Slippers (@WalkingOutside) November 30, 2019

Ladies, choose your friends wisely. Because your bridal/baby shower will be as nice or as raggedy as they are.

— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) April 18, 2018

"Will there be alcohol there?"

–
~ the only thing I need to know about your baby shower

— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) July 31, 2013

What not to say at a baby shower:

You look MUCH bigger than I expected!

— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) July 26, 2017

I'm day drinking and the only person who really gets me at this baby shower is this crying baby.

— Jennifer McAuliffe (@JenniferJokes) March 19, 2017

*Friend opening iPad I gave her for her baby shower*
Her: But screentime is-
Me: -Shh
Her: Not until they're 2-
Me: *smothering her* Shhhhhh

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) December 29, 2016

Welcome to motherhood, everything will be sticky for the foreseeable future.

*honest baby shower card

— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) November 5, 2016

The next goddamn baby shower I get invited to is getting a set of over-crib, pastel nursery letters that spell out S H I T M A C H I N E.

— Be Best Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) February 4, 2016

I think I'm going to start giving poster boards as baby shower gifts. They may not need them now, but they will LOVE me in 6-10 years.

— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) December 19, 2019

Sorry I got shitfaced at your baby shower and told you about how sexual I found George of the Jungle as a kid

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 2, 2016

“Prepare for kids by getting as little sleep as possible and then release multiple feral animals into your home. Congrats!”

-Me. And my congrats speech at a baby shower.

— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) April 13, 2019

hello i’m at my best friend’s baby shower eating shrimp and talking true crime and murder so YES ABSOLUTELY involve me in your children’s lives

— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) November 19, 2017

Shopping for a Baby Shower:

*ugh, really?

*you have genuinely terrible taste

*that's dumb, you're dumb, you'll never use that

*fine 'add to cart'

And do you know why? Because👏🏻you👏🏻always👏🏻purchase👏🏻from👏🏻the👏🏻registry👏🏻only👏🏻

— Some Boys' Mother (@someboysmother) June 3, 2019

*Uses finger to write TIME HEALS ALL WOMBS in the frosting of the cake at your baby shower

— Babies Daddy (@dshack8) December 16, 2014

*At baby shower*
Her- *opens mine* Umm, the gifts were supposed to be for the baby’s bathtime, not mine.
Me- When the baby bathes, so will you.

— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) October 12, 2019

A baby shower really should just be a toddler sneezing on the new mother's face from 3 cm away. Because there's no gift like the truth.

— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) August 29, 2016

Saturday, I went to a baby shower, so the word “baby” came up once or twice.

Now, Instagram serves me *nothing* but mom-related ads.

[throws phone into the Hudson lives device-free in isolation as a mute for eternity]

— Sarah Sweeney (@heysarahsweeney) February 26, 2019

Me trying to plan a baby shower when I know nothing about babies and am also part baby myself 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 pic.twitter.com/JzMfQpjky6

— Gena-mour Barrett (@SmileGena) December 12, 2016

I've never not frantically wrapped the gift in the car outside the baby shower.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 20, 2017

Well, I happen to think "Will there be weed?" was a perfectly appropriate way to RSVP to your baby shower.

— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) December 31, 2013

Your water just broke so your canceling the baby shower? This is why I hate u. Always doing stuff like this.

— Luwanda (@LuwandaJenkins) June 6, 2016

My kids are perpetually and understandably confused about what takes place at a baby shower

— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) March 27, 2017

What sounds better, ‘you’re fucked’ or ‘just you wait, you’re so fucked’ I want this baby shower card to be perfect

— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) November 13, 2019

My son is almost 11 and I still haven't sent one thank you note for the baby shower gifts pic.twitter.com/OhzcsGkrmj

— Laurie Kilmartin Sacramento Punch Feb 13-16 (@anylaurie16) September 20, 2017

[enters friend's baby shower] here is a baby scarf I knit myself except I don't knit so here is a ball of yarn & my condolences

— keely flaherty (@keelyflaherty) April 3, 2015

Me: Will there be beer at that thing today?

Wife: It's your sister's baby shower

Me:

Wife: It's your family. Of course there will be beer

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 18, 2017

honestly what’s a baby shower if you don’t faintly hear a passionate discussion about North Korea while opening gifts

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 28, 2018

Spent $26 on a stuffed llama from Anthropologie for my friend's baby shower because, if I've learned anything from being a mother, she'll probably definitely not need it but omg it's so cute.

— ωнαтѕαяαнѕαι∂ (@tinyandtired) March 27, 2019

Inviting all my high school bullies to our baby shower, proving to them once and for all that I've totally had sex

— The Dad (@thedad) April 2, 2019

Look if I give you a baby shower present I'm naming your baby

— Jennifer McAuliffe (@JenniferJokes) April 6, 2017

My wife asked me to order petit fours for a baby shower and when they asked what kind I said chicken salad because I thought that was a fancy name for tiny sandwiches.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 30, 2019

At baby shower-

Karen: motherhood is such a magical experience, my kids inspire me every day-

Boy twin: *flings humus onto Karen’s shirt*

Me: I hear you Karen, sometimes I could just burst with pride

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) June 23, 2019

Every baby shower I go to I get the happy couple a DustBuster. It's never on their registry but it's more useful than a wipe warmer.

— my busted ass (@MommaUnfiltered) October 11, 2014

Next baby shower I go to, I'm gifting the mom to be with a few bottles of wine and a few Lush bath bombs.

— Professor Charles Nigxavier (@Steph_I_Will) June 4, 2017

22 baby shower dresses that'll inspire you to get an IUD https://t.co/QgLdmaklgw

— Erin 🔮 Ryan (@morninggloria) August 13, 2017

Sorry I brought a baby shaped piñata to your baby shower

— moody monday (@mdob11) July 17, 2014

Baby Shower Registry: We’re asking for only cruelty free products…

Me: Oh, you sweet innocent thing, nothing about parenthood is cruelty free.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 4, 2018

A girl who hated me as a teen is at the same baby shower I'm at do I tell her I invented Post-Its or skip right to dancing to Cyndi Lauper?

— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) November 1, 2015

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
For instance, I attended a 3 hour baby shower over the weekend. So, yeah, I’ve seen some shit.

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) February 11, 2019

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) February 4, 2014

I'm at a baby shower, in a room full of married and engaged women. Just in case you were wondering how many beers I've had.

— Slightly funny Jew (@Dani_Feld) May 10, 2014

Cleaning out the closet and wondering if baby's 2nd birthday is too late to send out all these thank you notes from the baby shower

— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) November 25, 2019

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

— Marl (@Marlebean) July 10, 2018

If you are expecting but already have 2 or more kids, I’m giving you a megaphone and a case of Red Bull for your baby shower.

You can thank me later.

— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) July 23, 2018

Me: I'd really like to come to your baby shower, but under the circumstances…I don't think I should.

Her: What circumstances?

Me:…I have kids.

— Salty Mermaid Entertainment (@saltymermaident) August 13, 2018

Friend's baby shower: Aw nice, a nursing pillow.
Best Friend's baby shower: You know that thing can double as a hemorrhoid pillow.

— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) July 26, 2019

I'm throwing my younger sister a babyshower tomorrow, if anyone wondering why theres a toaster by the bathtub.

— Jennifer McAuliffe (@JenniferJokes) March 19, 2017

adorable if literal: baby shower

— snowjob ☃️ (@canadasandra) June 7, 2016