Kids may say the darndest things, but parentstweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from mums and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
If my kid’s toys ever come to life, I’m doing the sensible thing and claiming them on my taxes
— Dave (@pittdave13) July 8, 2019
Waking up to the fresh scent of parenthood, poop and defeat.
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) July 10, 2019
There's always a day when kids realize their parents aren't superheroes. For my kids, it was the day they asked me to draw a horse for them.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) July 8, 2019
[1st birthday-1st child]
•professional photographer
•themed decorations
•tutu made of gold
•$150 worth of pizza for dinner
•invite everyone
[1st birthday-2nd child]
•cell phone photography
•spaghetti?
•guests are overrated
•probably doesn't need clothes
— Ｍｏｍｚｉｌｌａ (@milliondollrfam) July 10, 2019
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 8, 2019
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 8, 2019
My 2yo just stood 3 inches from my face while I peed, and then clapped when I flushed. If you’re looking for that kind of support, a toddler is the hype person you need.
— Accidental Super Mom (@AcciSuperMom) July 10, 2019
[zombie apocalypse]
ME: *clutches my 4yo while we hide under the bed hoping the hoard doesn’t hear us*
MY 4Y/O: i hafta poop— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 7, 2019
[driving]
7-year-old: Can we stop for cheeseburgers?
Me: We packed sandwiches.
7: Why do you hate us?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 7, 2019
Here’s a little song I wrote about kids being home for summer vacation it’s called “OMG WHEN DOES SCHOOL START“ and a one and a two
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 10, 2019
5: mom, there’s pee under the dining room table.
Me: WHAT? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
5: I dunno
Me: then how did you know it was there???
5: oh.
— Celeste Yvonne (@andwhatamom) July 7, 2019
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) July 6, 2019
Pre-kid me: Little to no screen time is best.
4 years later: Netflix is our babysitter.
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) July 6, 2019
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You're not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I'm just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 9, 2019
Giving my kids SunChips: here eat these, they’re healthy, the sun is a vegetable
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) July 9, 2019
I'm letting my 2yo draw with Sharpies because I want new furniture.
Don't @ me
— DaddyGrownup 🏳️🌈 🇨🇦 (@DaddyGrownup) July 10, 2019
Day 39 of summer break:
My son is mad at me because I won’t let him use a chainsaw.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 9, 2019
If you listen real carefully to the sounds of my kids fighting, you can hear the sound of me opening a beer.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) July 8, 2019
Me: "Hey love, you want me to cut up an apple for you?"
4yo: "When I want a snack, I'll tell you and you can make me it."
Me: *crosses off her birthday from the calendar*
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) July 10, 2019
My kid is sitting on the potty telling her doll to poop, as she refuses to poop.
She’s already got the do as I say not as I do parent thing down.
— Mom On The Rocks (@sah_nursemom) July 11, 2019
Wife: Our son is pretty strong-willed sometimes, huh?
Me: We’re not in a parent-teacher conference. You can just say he’s an asshole sometimes.
— The Dad (@thedad) July 6, 2019