Kids may say the darndest things, but parentstweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from mums and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
"Oh shit, I'm supposed to go find them…"
Who?
"The kids. We were playing hide and seek."
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) June 24, 2019
One fun thing about kids is that when you tell them to wash their hands, you have to specify “with soap”
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) June 27, 2019
I’ve heard of pre-marriage counseling but I really feel like we should go in for a tune up before we pack this car for vacation.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 23, 2019
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 24, 2019
Me: look at this cool record I just got
Son: record?
Me: its like a tape
Son: what's a tape
Me: like a CD
Son: what's a CD?
Me: i swear to God
— The Dad (@thedad) June 24, 2019
My eight year old has started talking back and then saying (outloud) “hashtag roasted” and dabbing. Not one of the parenting books prepared me for this.
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) June 23, 2019
Throwback to when my kid ate whatever I made for dinner without complaining. pic.twitter.com/ridXOVD850
— ArtfulNight (@ArtfulNight) June 23, 2019
My son ate too many crackers, threw himself down on the couch & announced, “Well, now I know what it feels like to be pregnant.”
Sure, buddy. Sure.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) June 28, 2019
After my kids fall asleep I peek into their rooms and think, “Why do these precious little people act like such assholes?”
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) June 27, 2019
My son announces he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor as if he is off to war.
— Just J (@junejuly12) June 22, 2019
Day 2 of summer break: I can feel the aging process occurring in my body.
— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) June 26, 2019
As I buried my child in the sand at the beach, I realized I have matured so much as a parent but not enough to not give them sand-boobs.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 24, 2019
7-year-old: How do you get money when you don't have any more teeth for the tooth fairy?
Me: You work.
7: That's a terrible idea.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 24, 2019
“Portrait of a Televised Soccer Family When The Score is Tied”
Left Wife: YAY! A TIE! Isn’t it wonderful? Everyone is winning! I love the soccer!
Right Wife: %## $&”” %*#!
Child: You only get one shot do not miss your chance to blow this opportunity comes once in a lifetime pic.twitter.com/RSA7kpYUvD— Glennon Doyle (@GlennonDoyle) June 26, 2019
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 24, 2019
The only thing worse than paying $9 for a greeting card is paying $9 for a greeting card for a 3-year-old’s birthday party.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 23, 2019
My daughter made up a song.
The refrain she is “people should give me more toys.”
I’m starting to think that I’m the “people” she’s singing about.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 25, 2019
Me, tucking in 3 year-old: I love you to the moon and back.
3: That's infinity, right?
Me: Actually, when I said that last night-
[Looks shakily over shoulder at Neil deGrasse Tyson cracking his knuckles]
-I was wrong.
[Neil deGrasse Tyson nods]
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 26, 2019
5yo: *crying* you never let me have any fun
wife: you were yelling at your sister
5yo: yeah, that’s fun
me: it is pretty fun
— *sigh*clops (@DadZZZasleep) June 25, 2019
*Husband grabs a fruit roll-up from pantry*
Me: "Put it back. Those are for the kids."
As I watch my husband drive off from the window, I open a fruit roll-up, eat it, and relish in my victory.
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) June 27, 2019
Co-parenting?
That's when you raise your kids with the help of Netflix, right?
Right?
— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) June 26, 2019