I don’t know what kind of life I envisioned myself having at this age, but watching a half-naked toddler lick the frosting off a Pop-Tart while sitting on my chest at 5:45 in the morning was almost definitely not a part of it.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 23, 2019

[First Kid]
Receptionist: What’s his date of birth?

Mom: So he was due on the 29th, but I actually had him on October 15, 2010 at 9:46 PM, he weighed six-

R: Yep. Got it.

[Third Kid]
R: What’s her date of birth?
M:
R:
M: *counting on fingers* ok so what year is it right now?

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 19, 2019

We officially have enough Legos to build a vacation home.

— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) May 22, 2019

one of my kids licked all the Everything off an Everything Bagel and stuck it back in the package and this is why parents can't ever have nice things

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 22, 2019

[watching a TV singing competition]

9-year-old: I could do that.

Me: Sing?

9: Judge people.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 23, 2019

Me: ugh I hate these escape rooms
Wife: This is my parents' house

— The Dad (@thedad) May 21, 2019

If I ever need to reminisce about the time I gave my 4yo my phone, I scroll through the 523 photos of his forehead.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 22, 2019

We’re getting our couch professionally cleaned which gives our toddler a blank canvas to color our furniture in more fun and creative ways.

— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) May 22, 2019

Me: Oh it’s beautiful! Is this for me?

My 5 yr old: No, it’s for Marla. I just love her so much.

Marla is the owner of the nearby frozen yogurt shop. pic.twitter.com/oKzkkEWZ1C

— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) May 20, 2019

Pre-k kiddo just told us that his summer plans are to “eat and watch YouTube” and I think that sounds like a pretty solid plan, personally.

— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) May 20, 2019

If I’ve learned anything as a parent, it’s that blowing bubbles is a marathon, not a sprint.

— Accidental Super Mom (@AcciSuperMom) May 20, 2019

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my 7th grade daughter and her friends.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 22, 2019

Well, the toddler throws the restaurant's food on the floor too, so at least I know it's not my cooking

— Not another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) May 23, 2019

If we want to keep 4 quiet and busy for a while, we dump all of the socks on the bed or couch, and she will sit quietly and try to match them all with the concentration of a serial killer.

— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) May 23, 2019

Nobody is more prepared than a mom ready to explain how her cbd oil isn’t the same as marijuana.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 18, 2019

Every parent says they want their child to find something that makes them happy and to be themselves.
But when your child looks you in the eye and declares “Poop is my thing, I’m the poop guy.” you realize that is not, in fact, what you want.

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) May 22, 2019

*Follows toddler tornado around all day*

*Adds storm chaser to resume*

— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 22, 2019