Dear Meghan,

As a new mum, I know you are royally knackered and on the rollercoaster of feeds, nappy changes and being asked stupid questions on press cals. Therefore, I’m going to cut to the chase and give you the no BS advice you need as a new mum:

No one knows what they’re doing (no, not even Kate)

I know you feel like you’re the only one who doesn’t have motherhood figured out yet, that you are the only one whose baby bag is so full it looks like you are fleeing the country with the royal jewels. But please know that no new parent has a clue what they are doing. We all feel lost and at times like we are messing everything up.  And you know what? It’s okay! You’re not supposed to have a bloody clue. Just keep breathing. Be kind to yourself and remember we’re all just surviving the best way we can.

Mums lie (yes, even Kate)

It’s the truth! How do I know? Because I’ve lied myself. I’ve lied and told people I’m “fine” despite being too tired to function.  I’ve lied and said that I’ve taken motherhood all in my stride despite, suffering with my mental health.  Every mum does it. Therefore, please know that not everything you hear when it comes to peoples experiences of motherhood is the truth.  Not because they are trying to deceive you, but because they’re learning how to be a new mum and sometimes this involves not being honest about personal experiences for fear of being judged.

You’ll want to divorce your vagina

I know this may sound harsh after what she’s endured for the sake of your family and the monarchy, but damn she’s going to be as sore as hell after pushing out a tiny human that you’ll want to get as far away from her as possible. Invest in some ice packs, strong drugs and soothing salts for the bath. Oh, and a tiny royal bell to ensure Harry is at your beck and call.

You’re not going to sleep

It’s royally shite but it’s true. There’s no escaping that when you have a new baby you don’t get any sleep. I know it, you know it, hell, every new parent out there knows it. Therefore, bed in for the long run. Take as much help as you can and any chance you get to catch twenty royal winks, do it. (Oh, and remember you live in a castle, so there’ll be loads of unused rooms and secret corridors you can sneak away to have a kip in).

Burn your pre-baby jeans 

The jeans you wore during your pre-baby red carpet I’ve-been-juicing-like-a-demon days? BURN them! Or, get Harry to bury them in the palace gardens, so deep not even the corgis could get their paws on them.  No good can come of opening your couture wardrobe and seeing everything hanging there all neat, toned and tempting you to see if you can get half a thigh into them. You can’t. And you know what? You shouldn’t be able to just hours after emitting a tiny human from your body. Now go get those matches and burn, baby, burn.

You haven’t failed if you’re not breastfeeding

Seriously, you are not doing your tiny human, or indeed the country, a disservice if breastfeeding hasn’t worked out for you.  It’s okay, and don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.  Easier said than done, I know. But seriously, it’s ok! As long as you are caring for your tiny human and as long as you are loving them, you are giving them the best start in life. End of.

You will worry about everything (despite being surrounded by Secret Service) 

From suffocating to meningitis, weird coughs to World War, you will worry about every little thing. From the moment you enter parenthood this door of panic is opened and there’s no way of getting the damn thing shut again. Therefore, a bit like the family member you have to endure at every family party (I’m mentioning no names!) you need to learn tactics to minimise their impact, keep them at arms length or avoid them all together.

Motherhood may be tough on your mental health 

I’m sure you’ll agree, every woman needs to be empowered to take care of their maternal metal health. Therefore, please check in with how you and your mind are doing post-baby. Don’t just expect yourself to be okay because of the help you have at your disposal, the position you’re in and the awareness you already have. Every mum deserves the right to enjoy motherhood and to have good mental health. Therefore, please take care of yours.

You are going to feel judged

Never before will you ever feel so judged (even more so than during all that nonsense with your staff leaving and you ‘changing’ Harry). Unfortunately, this is something you’re well versed in. However, when it comes to motherhood, you will be your harshest critic.  Therefore, you need to be kind to yourself.  You need to be your biggest fan and you need to say a big American “up yours” to anyone trying to judge how you mother.

You are already a good enough mum 

Repeat after me: I am a good enough mum. This is something you need to keep telling yourself. Through all your doubts. All your worries. All the days you feel like you are failing, you are not! The fact that you’re worrying about being a good mum, means you already are one.