Flowers, jewellery, chocolates – Valentine’s Day is not only a commercialised nightmare, but a romanticised cliché.

By the time 14 February rolls around, you and your partner (or friend with benefits) might not be up for an overpriced meal in a packed restaurant, but let’s face it: you might as well use the day to your advantage and get some action. 

Here are some sexy, suggestive and downright crude Valentine’s Day cards to make sure yours goes out with a bang.

Valentine’s schmalentines, Naughty Little Card Designer, £3

Scream, What The Duck Cards on Etsy, £2.89

Harry Potter Valentines card, Brashmoose on Etsy, £2.95

I like your bum valentines card, Ink Bandit on Not on The High Street, £1.17

Rude Valentines Day Card, The No Such Disco on Etsy, £4

Spank That Ass, Scribbler, £2.49-£5.99 (S,M,L)

Is Your Name Margherita, Scribbler, £2.49-£5.99 (s, m, l)

Don’t Even Think About It Puzzle, Moonpig, £3.29

Let’s Screw, Funky Greeting Store on Etsy, £3

I want to poke you cactus card, Moonpig, £3.29

Card, Thortful, £3.29

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