Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips via Twitter from parents to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch.
Self-confidence is my four year old asking me to turn off the ceiling fan so he can show me how high he jumps.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 1, 2020
"Sorry I don't make the rules" I say blatantly lying to my child about a rule I just made up.
— Avocado Mama (@HeatherStenwall) July 2, 2020
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing on the beach you can keep sand out of their mouth while I blow up a raft and they ask if there is a pool.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 1, 2020
A surprising amount of parenting is bribing your kids with things you don’t want to do, then breathing a sigh of relief when they mess it up so you don’t have to deliver.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) June 28, 2020
After ten do you tell your child to go to sleep or do you scream it
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) July 2, 2020
“Hmmm, I guess I’ll have that”
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 2, 2020
– My 10yo after I told him what I was making for dinner like he’s got a choice in the matter
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 29, 2020
3-year-old: mama why do people get married?
— Felicia Day (@feliciaday) July 1, 2020
Me: well, when two people love each other very much it can be a good thing to do for tax purposes.
No one warned me how much of parenting is sitting quietly with your stomach in your throat, watching your toddler literally jump from new heights and try new risky things
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) July 2, 2020
A dark day for parents is when their child learns what "hypocrite" means.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 29, 2020
Walking at nine months. Scamming at ten months. Our baby girl 😍 (📷: @postracialist) pic.twitter.com/xJcRqvU0Jf
— Decker Ngongang (@Ngongang) July 1, 2020
my daughter threw a tantrum because she felt it was too early to be spoken to and it really is a miracle that we create little versions of ourselves
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 2, 2020
I always thought I'd be a patient mom.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 1, 2020
And then I had to listen to my son tell a story.
Forget taking a yoga class. Once you’ve taken 30 minutes to exit a baby’s room in slow motion, you’ll know every position well enough to teach a yoga class.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 28, 2020
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
— The Dad (@thedad) July 1, 2020
Me: No *shaking head* I think they're all like that
My daughter has been hoarding empty toilet paper rolls in her bedroom.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 2, 2020
I don’t know what kind of elaborate craft she’s planning, but I already know I want to throw it out.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 29, 2020
I was celebrating the fact my kids were all playing together nicely.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 1, 2020
Turns out my 8yo opened a Sharpie “tattoo shop” in his bedroom.
My 2yo has “tattoo” barbed wire across her chest and a skull with DEADLOCK scrolled down her arm.
My son lost his tooth yesterday and I go to his room last night to grab the tooth in exchange for some $$$… And this is the message he wrote… 😒😒😒 with full on instructions 🤦🏾♂️🙄🤣 pic.twitter.com/jiMm5y9UF9
— Chef Lauren (@ChefLaurenW) July 2, 2020
"TURBO MODE"
— Marl (@Marlebean) July 2, 2020
My kid shouts, farting while skating
By law, all dads who pick up a packed suitcase to load into the car have to say, “Jeez, what did you put in here, a dead body?”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 27, 2020
10-year-old: I'm watching all the Harry Potter movies.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2020
Me: Do you really have that much free time?
10: I don't have any free time. I'm watching all the Harry Potter movies.
My 4-year-old wanted to use talk-to-text to send a message to his aunt. This is what was sent. My 4-year-old is THE world's worst rapper. pic.twitter.com/Bq15aRcH1a
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) July 2, 2020
Me, to 8y.o: “Why do you watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games when you could play them yourself?”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 1, 2020
8: “Well, why do YOU watch TikTok videos of people dancing when you could do the dances yourself?”
Well played, kid.